Christmas growing pains

In my last post, I left off saying, "I am looking forward to a special and fun holiday season ... I have a lot of tricks up my sleeve!" And I did. But most of them didnt turn out anything like I planned.

I traveled to spend time with Mercedes in Portland for a few days and had a very nice time but that "Christmas thing" didnt really go as I envisioned. From Portland, I flew to Las Vegas to see Ross so we could do some Christmas stuff, see my dad and to have dinner with my sisters. I had dinner with my sisters but Ross and Toby got the barfing flu so I didnt dare spend time with them, didnt get to see my dad and flew home feeling very frustrated. My plan for new holiday fun was floundering at every turn.

Philip put lights on the house only because it is important to me. He said we could skip the tree and I said, "No way! We are not that couple!" We got the tree (still get real). It may have taken me a week to decorate but I did.

By mid December I kept wondering how all my plans to make this a happy month be backfiring on me? I wasn't being selfish, I was trying to make Christmas joy for my family and for friends, some that were having a hard time this year. I shopped and shopped trying to find the perfect things. I sent huge packages.

With only a few days until Christmas I realized I hadnt seen my friends. When would I bake? Or go look at lights. The little things that really give me that warm feeling and enjoyment. So Sunday night I reviewed my plans. I was not going to give up. My dad was coming on Monday night. I planned to have Hilary's kids over all day Tuesday to spend time with Great Grandpa Odom, do some baking, make Gingerbread houses and just hang out. Wednesday could still be spent delivering things. I felt like I had a chance to squeeze in a few of my favorites.

Monday, my dad decided he was still too sick to come. I was relieved and sad at the same time. Tuesday I had the kids and we did have a great time! Yay! Something actually worked out!

Tuesday it became apparent I would be shopping on Christmas Eve. I truly detest shopping on Christmas Eve. That is supposed to be my stay at home bake and/or deliver presents and goodies to people. But this year, I was not only shopping on Christmas Eve but Philip and I shut the stores down. We went to the video store to rent some movies and then on to Claim Jumper for dinner. We were in two seperate cars and on the way there, I hit an emotional brick wall. Trying to reinvent the first Christmas season as an empty nester, I failed to really prepare myself for Christmas Eve. We were alone! Eating out on a special holiday! We were going home to be alone! And I started to cry.

I thought I had it under control and headed in to the restaurant with a stop in the bathroom. And I started to cry again. Tried hard to be done, but nope. Those crocodile tears would not stop popping silently out of my eyes. I was sitting in a bathroom stall at a restaurant on Christmas Eve and could not stop crying! Eventually, I mustered up a break and put some cold water on my eyes and made my way to the table. Philip asked me what was up? Oh boy! He asked a loaded question! I tried to keep them in but those crocodile tears dont obey. I explained to him just how much of a hard time I've been having adjusting to no family in our house. And to be alone on Christmas Eve, my favorite, was not easy. This was my first Christmas Eve in my life without at least my own baby or other family for at least some part of the evening! Soooo, I pretty much cried alllllll the way through dinner. Alllll the evening while wrapping. Alll the way til about 1-2am when I finally went to sleep hoping to feel less sad in the morning.

Christmas morning, we woke up alone. This was the first year since we've been in this house (29 Christmases) that we did not have a picture of everyone at the top of the stairs in their pj's waiting and anticipating their stockings and presents left by Santa. Philip showered. We got dressed. We ate breakfast. The morning started out lonely and very unholiday even with the snow falling giving us a White Christmas.

Whitney and Jake arrived just before 11am. It was sooo werid to be opening presents close to noon. Whitney always does her best to cheer me and I was able to keep the tears away. In a few hours the house was abuzz with Hilary's family joining us for Christmas dinner and fun. I had some of the family around and the house wasnt lonely.

Days have gone by, we are now into the New Year and my feelings are still very tender about Christmas 2008. Some how while in the process of reinventing Christmas to make it a cheery new way, some of the old important things got left out. This has been a very hard life lesson for me. Apparently I dont want to grow up to this life level. I am making good mental notes so my next reinvention for Christmas leaves me with only happy tears. And that just may mean spending Christmas at one of our kids homes on the years we have no family on Christmas Eve! Cause really, what a better gift than being with people you love?!