Miss Indecision strikes again

I asked Whitney to meet me at Costco to help pick out my first pair of prescription glasses. Since they are expensive unlike reading glasses that I can have several pair and change when I want to, I need to know I will be happy with them on my face all day long, every day. It is always hard for me to decide on things like this. I bought my first sunglasses about 4 years ago and it took me about 3 months to find some I liked. And those arent on your face all day, every where you go. And, yes, I did have to have peoples opinion before I actually bought them! I found I am feeling kind of vain about this object that will be on my face everyday and I just couldnt make the decision alone. Thank goodness Whitney came because it is hard to decide between what you like and what looks good on you. The assistant was a little overwhelmed at how many choices I selected and made me choose my top 5. Top 5?! But we did. And then ... it was easier. And we all agreed so hopefully I will be happy!

In all reality, I am always indecisive. And when I have to be the one to choose it can be excrutiatingly painful for those with me! It drives them nuts! And I cant say that I blame them. So I was thinking, maybe I just need to be treated like a child and given two choices and I just have to decide on one? But ... I would still have to make a decision between two things! Hmmm, I may be hopelessly indecisive?!

Kindness

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
- Leo Buscaglia, US author & lecturer (1925 - 1998)


I wish I was perfect in living this quote! I know how nice it feels when I have it done to me.

Christmas growing pains

In my last post, I left off saying, "I am looking forward to a special and fun holiday season ... I have a lot of tricks up my sleeve!" And I did. But most of them didnt turn out anything like I planned.

I traveled to spend time with Mercedes in Portland for a few days and had a very nice time but that "Christmas thing" didnt really go as I envisioned. From Portland, I flew to Las Vegas to see Ross so we could do some Christmas stuff, see my dad and to have dinner with my sisters. I had dinner with my sisters but Ross and Toby got the barfing flu so I didnt dare spend time with them, didnt get to see my dad and flew home feeling very frustrated. My plan for new holiday fun was floundering at every turn.

Philip put lights on the house only because it is important to me. He said we could skip the tree and I said, "No way! We are not that couple!" We got the tree (still get real). It may have taken me a week to decorate but I did.

By mid December I kept wondering how all my plans to make this a happy month be backfiring on me? I wasn't being selfish, I was trying to make Christmas joy for my family and for friends, some that were having a hard time this year. I shopped and shopped trying to find the perfect things. I sent huge packages.

With only a few days until Christmas I realized I hadnt seen my friends. When would I bake? Or go look at lights. The little things that really give me that warm feeling and enjoyment. So Sunday night I reviewed my plans. I was not going to give up. My dad was coming on Monday night. I planned to have Hilary's kids over all day Tuesday to spend time with Great Grandpa Odom, do some baking, make Gingerbread houses and just hang out. Wednesday could still be spent delivering things. I felt like I had a chance to squeeze in a few of my favorites.

Monday, my dad decided he was still too sick to come. I was relieved and sad at the same time. Tuesday I had the kids and we did have a great time! Yay! Something actually worked out!

Tuesday it became apparent I would be shopping on Christmas Eve. I truly detest shopping on Christmas Eve. That is supposed to be my stay at home bake and/or deliver presents and goodies to people. But this year, I was not only shopping on Christmas Eve but Philip and I shut the stores down. We went to the video store to rent some movies and then on to Claim Jumper for dinner. We were in two seperate cars and on the way there, I hit an emotional brick wall. Trying to reinvent the first Christmas season as an empty nester, I failed to really prepare myself for Christmas Eve. We were alone! Eating out on a special holiday! We were going home to be alone! And I started to cry.

I thought I had it under control and headed in to the restaurant with a stop in the bathroom. And I started to cry again. Tried hard to be done, but nope. Those crocodile tears would not stop popping silently out of my eyes. I was sitting in a bathroom stall at a restaurant on Christmas Eve and could not stop crying! Eventually, I mustered up a break and put some cold water on my eyes and made my way to the table. Philip asked me what was up? Oh boy! He asked a loaded question! I tried to keep them in but those crocodile tears dont obey. I explained to him just how much of a hard time I've been having adjusting to no family in our house. And to be alone on Christmas Eve, my favorite, was not easy. This was my first Christmas Eve in my life without at least my own baby or other family for at least some part of the evening! Soooo, I pretty much cried alllllll the way through dinner. Alllll the evening while wrapping. Alll the way til about 1-2am when I finally went to sleep hoping to feel less sad in the morning.

Christmas morning, we woke up alone. This was the first year since we've been in this house (29 Christmases) that we did not have a picture of everyone at the top of the stairs in their pj's waiting and anticipating their stockings and presents left by Santa. Philip showered. We got dressed. We ate breakfast. The morning started out lonely and very unholiday even with the snow falling giving us a White Christmas.

Whitney and Jake arrived just before 11am. It was sooo werid to be opening presents close to noon. Whitney always does her best to cheer me and I was able to keep the tears away. In a few hours the house was abuzz with Hilary's family joining us for Christmas dinner and fun. I had some of the family around and the house wasnt lonely.

Days have gone by, we are now into the New Year and my feelings are still very tender about Christmas 2008. Some how while in the process of reinventing Christmas to make it a cheery new way, some of the old important things got left out. This has been a very hard life lesson for me. Apparently I dont want to grow up to this life level. I am making good mental notes so my next reinvention for Christmas leaves me with only happy tears. And that just may mean spending Christmas at one of our kids homes on the years we have no family on Christmas Eve! Cause really, what a better gift than being with people you love?!

Thanks Giving

After 2 solid months of something specific going on in my life, I finally got some good sleep and time to clear my head and think of how the next month and a half might play out. I had a lot of mixed feelings about having a holiday season unlike any I have experienced before. I could either feel sad or try to make the best of it. I dont think I really made a conscious decision but rather a decision that just evovled. I am going to make the best of a new chapter in my life.

I found myself observing people everywhere I went. There are a lot of people out there that have problems that I dont have. I dont have to think about every single penny I spend and wonder if I will have food to eat or money to pay electric bills or lose my home, I dont have to get around in an electric scooter or a wheelchair, I dont have ragged clothes, I dont need to beg and I am not alone in many senses of the word. I have a dependable car, a nice home, a job, material things of all kinds, a big family and lots of good friends.

I've found myself enjoying looking at peoples faces and observing their demeanor, even wondering about some of these people. Philip always says I like to make up scenarios about things and I admit, I do. I have been thinking about scenarios about some of the people I have been observing. I found I have been feeling more understanding, definitely thankful. I have enjoyed smiles more. All of this has made me feel happier.

I have been starting to make my plans and instituting some of them. Friday I had a most pleasant outing, armed with my coupons and this weeks ads to make the best use of my money. I bought some things I knew were the perfect things and my excitement was escalating. I went to Michaels and a mother and daughter were scurrying about the Christmas decorations and giggling. I just had to tell them how fun it was to observe them and how it made me think of times like that with my daughters and that I was a bit jealous! Later that evening we went out with Dave and Janice to James Bond and dinner followed by a visit to their house. Janice had some huge bags of clothes ready for me to take to another friend of mine which Philip somewhat grumpily loaded into the car. Janices cousin had commited suicide just a few days earlier which is always a most difficult and sad life experience. I felt happy that we could add a little bit of light into a dark week for her.

Saturday I had a busy fulfilling day. A trip to the market to buy food to fill two boxes for a community Thanksgiving food drive and then delivering them. A trip to Carson City to deliver the huge bags of clothes to my friend and sorting through them with her. It was like Christmas, there were so many fun choices of nice clothes (some still have tags on them but shhh, dont tell Dave) that she would need have to a fashion show trying them on at her leisure! She has been the recipient of Janices sharing before and knows there will be some exciting things to add to her wardrobe and to that of her son. And then she always shares the leftovers with her other friends or the needy. I came home and spent the evening with my niece Natalee who was in town visiting a friend. How many aunts are lucky enough to have their 24 year old niece want to spend time with them?! We grabbed a bite to eat, visited and went to a movie. I made treats for my Sunday School class when I got home and studied my lesson without feeling that drudgery I sometimes feel.

On Sunday in our Relief Society my favorite teacher gave a lesson on good traditions to have with our families. She is a hoot. A rather eccentric person that giggles and even jumps up and down with excitement about the things she is teaching. How can you not enjoy her message?! I always find messages about traditions to be sometimes depressing because I cannot go back and do more with my kids and worry I havent given them any or enough ... yet happy that I think we have some nice ones all the while wondering what the kids think our family traditions are? I know I have some personal ones but have I really taught them? Perhaps I dont want to know? It might distract from the pleasant attitude I have gained over this last week! :)

I think if I could hear one thing from them, it would be that they too have learned the joy of giving. I have some open ways I give and some secret ways I give. I think you need to have both. All I know is they both give me joy, however I am partial to the secret ways. I found this quote today in an email from my company and I thought it was a great tie in to how I have been feeling.

“Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.”
- Princess Elizabeth Asquith Bibesco

I have been very blessed to be able to give and there are times when I have had to be the one that took. I am grateful for both but ... I have to say, I really love being on the giving side much more!

All of this and more, are what caused my decision to evolve rather than a need to choose to be sad or happy. I am looking forward to a special and fun holiday season ... I have a lot of tricks up my sleeve!

Disneyland trivia question

My work sends us a trivia question every Friday. I would have never guessed the answer to this! What do you think?

Q: There is an attic at the top of Disneyland’s Matterhorn mountain ride – what is hidden in that space?

Santa Claus is Coming to Town?! Already?!

Tonight, Philip and I went out to one of our outdoor malls to shop. Then meet some friends for dinner and a movie. I was thinkin, "this parking lot is really full for 5pm on Saturday night. But I was there to use my Gap friends and family discount and thought maybe other stores were having promos like that to get people shopping.
While I was paying in Old Navy, the manager who just happens to be one of Whitneys friends said, "are you staying for the lighting celebration?" Apparently tonight was the night they were turning on the Christmas lights for the shopping center and having fireworks to boot. Okay.
As we left the store we got this call from our friends saying they couldnt find a spot to park cause of all the "event parking and blocked off areas" And I'm thinkin, all that for kicking off the Christmas shopping season? Dumb me! Those two things go hand in hand with 1. Lighting the Christmas tree (which by the way the top third didnt light up, bummer for the coordinator.) and 2. Santa Claus was comin to town tonight! Duh!!!
All four of us were astonished that Santa came soooo soon. I mean, what happened to all the hoopla on Thanksgiving weekend? The grand buildup to the following weeks of excitement til Christmas. Even Rockefeller center doesnt light up their tree til then!
Is it just me or does anyone else find that when you have something too much or too long it loses some of its uniqueness, its magic? I love the holidays but we havent even had Thanksgiving. ( I give exception to Karly and Josh cause they are done with Thanksgiving and Halloween in October.)
One way or another, we saw the mall get lit up, enjoyed some fun fireworks, enjoyed a lil hustle and bustle and traffic jams of both cars and people all out in the cold night air to kick off one of the funnest times of year! Oh yeah and we saw the crowd huddle around and enjoy a lil visit with Santa and Mrs. Clause.
We tried a new restaurant, Tequila Beach (won't go again) and James Bond only had scattered seats in the front row soooo, no movie tonight. So thank goodness for Santa Clause comin to the Summit Mall or our night would have been a near bust!

My so called life

On Monday noon-ish, Ross and Toby drove out of our driveway to head home after an 11 and 1/2 day visit. I spent the better part of the day being tearful even wanting to flat out cry a few times. While I really will miss them, it wasnt just them leaving that had me in this emotional storm.

The beginning of September started weeks of busy activity that was full of fun and time spent with people I love yet also took me away from things I knew needed to get done. After a trip to New York City with friends, a sister trip to Southern California, Whitney in town for a few days, a trip to Calgary to visit Josh and Karly, Wills family visiting for about 8 1/2 days and then Ross's family life as I had known it came to an abrupt halt.

During this time, things still needed to be done, one of them our income taxes, a rather important and stressful chore. In spite of my hopes not to procrastinate again this year, I did. I also got slightly sick the last days in New York which got worse and lingered for close to 7 weeks.

So on top of not getting my paperwork done, I had this feeling of inadequacy for not being that Mom and Grammie I like to be cause I wasnt feeling so good while my company was here.
During these times of joy and fun I kept thinking, "I love all the events of the last weeks but it will be nice when life settles back down and I can get on to the things I have postponed and that I am internally stressing about."

And then it happened ... the day came. After nearly two months solid of being on the go or having people here ... it left me with a big empty. I had my so called life back. And sometimes that just hurts like crazy. Self admittedly, I have been rather melancholy all week and rather unproductive too! A part of me wishing, that the hustle and bustle, fun and visits were still "my so called life."